Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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