By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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