I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
