I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
