At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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