So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
