Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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