So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
