Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
