I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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