Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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