I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
