my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
