I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
