So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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