my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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