Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you would pick up someone in the library
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
