Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
