he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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