Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
