My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
