Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
