oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well you can't waste a boner
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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