I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
