Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
