took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
