farters have to be the big spoon...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
