someone threw a dead crab at me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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