I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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