I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
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The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
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pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.