Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
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Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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