Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
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I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.