One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
