Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
