Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
