READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
