i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
