i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
