I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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