I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
