ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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