My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
