Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
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I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...