farters have to be the big spoon...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
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I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM