i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
