ya dads aren't the best wingmen
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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