You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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