What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
