Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
