Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
