Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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