I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We are all done wearing pants today
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
