no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
