PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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