so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
