god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
my poor anus
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
