Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
third nipple confirmed
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
