Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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