Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I want to fling myself into the sun
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