Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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