you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
