got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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