her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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