fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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