An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
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Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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