I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
