and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
