Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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