Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
